jornales

for a moment of joy or moments no one pays for, i give myself a ‘jornal’. this makes me rich. try it.

first frost on LYNX XXVI:1 (haiku that worked)/magnolia (didn’t work)

first frost—
the last of the roses
have lost their names

Published LYNX XXVI:I February 2011

Of the suite I submitted, only this haiku along with a sequence and a tanka worked. I think it was accepted because it’s the only one that is neither anthropomorphic (personifying an object) nor ‘author-driven’ (my weakness it seems) or I did not write my own opinion into it as compared to ‘magnolia’, one of five that didn’t work, here:

magnolia
bares molds on
winter skin

Yes, the magnolia bared in the fall through winter looks blotched and moldy. But I ‘stated’ my observation, and I even personified the magnolia as baring itself, instead of ‘simply noting my observation and my reaction to it’. Also, I used a metaphor in the last line. These points I think made it a non-haiku.

I should have worked on it some more and submitted something like this:

in the winter mist
the bare blotched magnolia–
i turn away

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January 28, 2011 - Posted by | critique/self-critique, haiku, poetry | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 Comments »

  1. Dear Alegria Thank you for posting these haiku and “not haiku” I am enjoying all them and the process you are going through too. Happy writing!

    Comment by Raven Garland | January 28, 2011 | Reply

    • Thanks, Raven! I’m glad to know you’re enjoying my self-processing. I’m trying to apply what I’m learning.

      Comment by alee9 | January 28, 2011 | Reply

  2. i agree with what you are saying. about the first one. and liking the 2nd more. for me one thing i find is that in the first it’s harder to hear/speak in my head as the way i’d easily say it. the second one is much more natural in each phrase as i would speak. for me i watch for that in my haiku. …i’m not always successful but i do watch for it.

    Comment by Rick Daddario | January 29, 2011 | Reply

    • Thanks for your confirmation, Wrick! I know I have to work on this some more.

      Comment by alee9 | January 29, 2011 | Reply

  3. This is why I am not a poet. I enjoyed them all and have no idea one works and the other doesn’t.

    They make me look forward to spring.

    Comment by Blockader | January 29, 2011 | Reply

    • I know what you mean about ‘being a poet’! It’s not easy to have this ‘malady’ and I still don’t know why I suffer through it.

      And though you have no idea what it is I’m talking about, I’m glad you enjoy what you read here anyway. Please do keep coming by.

      I promise you, spring will be here, too.

      Comment by alee9 | January 29, 2011 | Reply

  4. Alegria, I saw your “rose” haiku in Lynx. Congratulations! I love it, and your unique way of looking at the world. You have so much to teach us all, hermana. I didn’t see your tanka there . . . will go back to find it.

    Best, M.

    Comment by Margaret Dornaus | January 29, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m glad you like it, Margaret! Thanks again.

      And you, too, you have a lovely wonderfully ‘silky’, gentle way of viewing the world. I love being there.

      Comment by alee9 | January 29, 2011 | Reply


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